Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in
an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
- Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as
nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict
resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a
- Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the
box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.
- Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in
managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got
more than me!" for the rest of your life.
- Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and
adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned
skills in conflict resolution.
- Must be able to choose your battles wisely and then stick to
- Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know
- Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5 to go skating.
- Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
- Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able
to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case this time the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
- Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
- Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
- Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
- Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
- Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next.
- Must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because
fund-raiser will be your middle name.
- Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions
on the fly such as "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't we just
stop all wars?"
- Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
- Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of
the end product.
- Other responsibilities include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life, if you play your cards right.
Goto family page.
Last modified: 14 July 2010.